So Close
by WithLoveFromLindsey
Summary: I've spent so much time throwing rocks at your window that I never even knocked on the front door.
1. Call Me When You're Sober

So Close

Call Me When You're Sober

"_You never call me when you're sober_

_You only want it cause it's over. _

_Oh, It's over."_

Amy's phone began to ring, and she quickly scrambled to her feet over to her computer desk to answer it before it could wake up her friend, Sesshoumaru in the next room. She sighed.

"Hello?"

"Hey, slut."

"InuYasha?" She asked, sitting on her bed, her heart still beating heavily from the way the phone had startled her.

"Yeah. I'm sure you thought that it was Sesshoumaru calling you from the other room on his cell so he can fuck you again, huh?"

"What are you talking-" She started.

"No, you know exactly what the fuck I'm talking about. You and Sesshoumaru have been fucking around. Well I found out. You didn't hide it very well."

"No, I haven't been doing _anything_ with Sesshoumaru. He and I are friends, InuYasha." She tried to make him believe her, but he was probably drunk, and wouldn't listen. It didn't happen alot, but she hated it when he was this way.

"Whatever."

She heard the phone hang up on the other line. She felt gutted, and her chest felt hollow and her breath stung in her throat from tears unshed.

Only she knew that she was telling the truth. Whoever told him this was obviously either jealous, or angry at her. She didn't know who she had pissed off recently, and on top of that, why was he calling her at - she looked over at the clock - 1:03 in the morning?

She buried her face into her pillow, and sobbed for hours until she finally was sure that she could never cry again. She felt drained, and tired. She soon fell asleep.


	2. Broken Wings

Broken Wings

"_Thank you for being such a friend to me._

_Oh, I pray a friend for life._

_Have I ever told you how much you mean to me?_

_Oh, you mean so much to me."_

"Get up." He commanded, and left, leaving the door open.

She slowly opened her eyes, and pulled the blankets from her. The smell of coffee and cigarette smoke flooded her nose, and she coughed. She hated that smell. She turned her legs over the side of the bed, and stood.

"Ames, are you-" He sighed.

"Yes. I'm in the process of getting dressed. Leave." She huffed and picked up her ripped jeans that she'd worn the previous day, and threw them on. She looked down at her wrinkled pink tank, and sighed.

"You're going to wear _that_?" Sesshoumaru questioned, sticking his head back through the door.

"I don't care, just fuck off." She groaned.

He gave her a look of half anger and half concern, and left finally. He had no idea what had been wrong with her for the past week. Boyfriend problems? Money problems? He never knew with her. She couldn't be read as easily as most.

Sesshoumaru had been her room mate and best friend for years. She'd seen many girls pass through his life, and the way he treated them made them wish they were dead. He nearly killed a girl once, actually. The only girl he'd actually let into his life was Amy. He was an emotionally-stunted guy that never knew what he wanted half the time. Sometimes he was her best friend, sometimes he was her brother, and sometimes he was her greatest fear. She loved him in a sort of brother and sister way, but sometimes he was just hard to deal with.

His brother, InuYasha, was the only guy that she had ever really been in love with. He was an ass, but she'd been with him for a few months, and she loved him. They were having some problems recently. It was a trust issue.

When they were in Sesshoumaru's car, she just listened to her iPod and didn't say a word. He sighed, and snatched it from her, and turned it off.

"I was listening to that, asshole."

"I want you to talk to me."

"What is there to talk about?"

"What's wrong with you?" He asked calmly.

She didn't answer. She just stared out the window, and sighed.

"Well?"

She still didn't reply. She just sat there playing with the zipper on her "Pink Spiders" jacket.

He gave up. She wouldn't talk to him, so he would just have to start asking questions. "Is it about InuYasha?"

"Maybe." She said sadly, taking her hand from the

"Ames... you can talk to me." He said as he lit a cigarette.

She rolled the window down to make smell of smoke go away. "I know."

"I _apologize. _I'm trying to quit."

"I'll believe it when I see it." She smiled faintly. "It's disgusting."

"Well there are probably things that you do that are disgusting, like kissing my brother." He took a draw from his cigarette, and put it out. "_Eww._" He teased. "Better?"

A small laugh escaped her. "Yeah."

"Amy, I'm being serious now. What's wrong?"

"He doesn't trust me. I don't trust him either, though. He thinks that... you and I are... well... fucking. I'm somewhat becoming suspicious of him and Kagome, though."

He laughed, and rolled my window up. "He's just angry that you're living with me, so he's going to start whatever he can to get you away from me." He looked over to her out of the corner of his eye, and then back to the road in front of them. It was rush hour traffic again in Manhattan, and he didn't quite have the patience for it, but he had to deal with it. "That isn't going to happen, because I'll kill him."

"He's your brother, and my asshole boyfriend."

"The point being?"

She actually laughed this time. She didn't know why, but she always felt better around him. He had a soothing presence about him that comforted her, even if he did smell like cigarettes and motor oil. "You're so evil." She said; her voice wasn't as low anymore with depression.

"Well... you're a loser." He joked.

She smiled, and gently shoved him. She loved these moments when they were joking around. She always wished that she could have a moment like this with InuYasha. They were just too different though. She and Sesshoumaru were alike in too many ways to count.

"Do you want to stop to get something to eat?"

"I'm already fat, Sesshy, the last thing I need is fast food."

"How often must I say this? You're not fat, and there are many who would wish to have your body."

"Oh no. Not this argument again."

"Amy." She 'eeped' slightly at the stern tone in his voice, not used to hearing such a thing from him, and then looked up at him through her messy bangs.

"Are we going to argue about this again?" His voice was softer, more controlled than a few moments ago. But Amy noticed he was still slightly peeved at her starting the argument again. It was one of many small arguments they had on a nearly daily basis. But they were arguments they would both look back on and laugh about.

"I don't know. But yeah, I am a little hungry. Besides, I forgot where we were going today. Could you, um, fill me in on this?"

"We're going to see if I can apply for a job where my dad works. I'm sure I can, but I haven't talked to the old man yet."

"Did it ever occur to you to leave me at home?"

"Eh... I have to babysit you. You might get in trouble if I leave you home alone."

"Like what? I might not wake until three?"

"No, you could have InuYasha over."

"I don't even want to talk about him right now."

"Which is understood."

Traffic finally started to slack.

—

They finally arrived at Taisho Corp. "So, are you staying in here or...?" He asked.

"Eh... yeah. Give me my iPod, though."

He handed to her, with the cords tangled. She gave a sigh, and he left. Suddenly, her phone started vibrating in her pocket, and she jumped slightly. She flipped it open and looked at the screen: InuYasha calling. "Great," she mumbled as she hit the button to ignore him. "Now he's harassing me."

—

"I'm sorry I was in there forever." He said as he gave her a strange disarrayed look. "Did something happen while I was away?"

"InuYasha called."

"And? What did he say?"

"Nothing. I didn't answer. It's just the fact that he's calling after he pretty much told me he hated me last night."

"Do you want me to tell him to fuck off?"

"Hm... that would be nice, but I'd rather you not. He'd really think something then."

"Okay."

There was silence and he was determined to get rid of it.

"So... I got it. I had to fill out a mountain of forms, however."

She showed a fake smile. It was simply a small curve of her lips, but she knew that it was enough to assure him that she would be okay for a little longer before she would require him for comfort.


	3. Nobody's Home

Chapter Three

Nobody's Home

"_Her feelings she hides._

_Her dreams she can't find._

_She's losing her mind._

_She's falling behind._

_She can't find her place._

_She's losing her faith._

_She's falling from grace._

_She's all over the place."_

After class she stood out there on the empty basketball courts and looked up at the sky. It was raining again, which was good, because it mixed with her tears. InuYasha left her for Kagome. She knew it would come to this.

_He left her..._

She had no idea why. He acted fine last night on the phone, but that morning he had been all over Kagome in the parking lot. It took a lot to walk past him and on to class. It was hard to keep from crying until now. Her jeans and her "Pink Spiders" jacket were soaked, and she could feel herself almost drowning.

She started shaking uncontrollably from the lack of heat in her body. She wanted Sesshoumaru right now, but he wouldn't be there for another ten minutes at least, but fuck him. She just wanted to be alone. Hell, she didn't know what she wanted.

It was the bittersweet feeling of wanting someone close, but then wanting everyone to go away. She just wanted to die. Everyone was leaving her and there was no way that she could take anything back or say any goodbyes because there were none. There was no one from the start. No one but a very distant Sesshoumaru whom she could now see pulling into the parking lot.

She wanted to run away and never turn back around to look at him. She fell to her knees, almost not feeling when she hit the asphalt of the court. She shook wracking sobs out of her body and everything just faded away until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She knew it was him. She knew he thought she was mental for this.

"Amy?"

"No! Go away!"

He walked around to the other side of her and stared. His heart felt a slight squeeze of guilt for her pain. "No, I won't go away. You have to get up and get out of the rain before you catch pneumonia." He extended his hand and as she grabbed it softly he felt how bone numbing cold she was.

She threw herself at him and clutched onto him tightly and sobbed. "He actually did it this time, Sesshy! He left me for Kagome!" He could barely make out from her sobs, but it sounded like he was going to need to kick InuYasha's ass.

"Come on, let's get you home." He put his arm around her and led her to the car. She was lucky that he loved her because she was soaking his seat. He got into the driver's side, and slammed the door closed. "Amy, how long were you out there?"

"An hour at most, but I don't know."

He sighed and looked out at the sky from the windshield. "You can't beat yourself up over that asshole's mistake."

"Why?" She sobbed.

"Because I might not always be here to pull your ass out of it and put you back on your feet."

She put her head on the dashboard and sobbed some more. She felt that she could never cry any more after this, but she knew better. Something always caused her to cry.

"Amy."

"What?"

"I'm sorry it had to come to this. He never deserved you and you don't deserve all this pain he's putting you through."

"No... you're wrong, Sesshy. I love him."

"Well I love you, and I'm not going to let you go mental on me, Ames."

Her breath nearly stopped at that. "I know. I'm not going to. Just, please drive." She nearly begged.

He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. As they drove home, he occasionally looked out of the corner of his eye at Amy. She was clearly taking hard, but he couldn't understand. _InuYasha is jackass and never deserved her. Hell, he doesn't deserve the girl he took over Amy._ He thought angrily as he pulled into the apartment complex parking lot.

He slammed his door shut when he got out, and walked to the door to their apartment that they had shared for nearly three years. He unlocked it, and left Amy standing at the doorway. He went to the bathroom and got her a towel. "Go get dried off and change. I'll be up in a bit." He threw the towel to her as she was taking off her shoes.

She caught it clumsily, "Yeah, you sound like my mom." She sniffed and started upstairs. When she got to her room, she opened the door and went in and started undressing. She sighed and wiped a few tears away from her face that felt like it was on fire from them.

She changed and lay back on her bed. She stared up at the ceiling and sighed. The world was quiet as she lay there numbly in the cold and the dark. She didn't even blink as she lay still, her mind going at a hundred miles per hour while her body stood still in time. Memories of the present and recent months bled together, happy moments where she laughed so hard it nearly ripped her sides open. There was only one constant in these flashes of memory, and it was a face that she didn't want to be in her head anymore.

'InuYasha...'

The memories kept flashing through her mind like some unachievable dream, and Amy didn't even notice as the last tear made a course down her cheek in the darkness of her bedroom. The memories didn't seem like her own anymore, but instead seemed like some tragic romance movie she'd watch when she was bored. What she thought was the last tear was joined by two more as the memories suddenly darkened.

They were arguing in this one, yelling and screaming so loud that she was surprised that the cops hadn't been called by a concerned neighbor. Even when they were in harmony, they were night and day. In fights such as this one, night and day themselves seemed to clash. At least, that's what Amy thought. Then, the memories suddenly changed again.

It was much more recent than the last, having taken place only months before. She wasn't with him in person this time, but talking with him over the phone while she was away visiting family. It was rather strange really. He had called her just after talking with his newest source of entertainment, _Kagome_... He talked about her as though he were already dating her. Things such as _"Yeah, she's awesome, you should definitely meet her, Amy." _And _"Yeah, well Kagome and I are going to the mall, I wish you could come, but you're at your aunt's house."_

That day had left her sitting in the apartment alone while her aunt and uncle went out, the light turned off and the TV on, leaving her in a dark world all her own.

As she lay there in her room, Amy realized why she'd been so devastated by simple phone call.

Yes, she was chained to the past. The past she'd shared with InuYasha. Now that she looked back on it, there were so many things she could have done better to make it work. So many things that finally added up in the end, and even now, she knew it was her own fault that she was laying on her bed in the dark, thoughts of the past plaguing her mind. This was her true self, quiet and locked away. Around friends, she laughed and joked, having the reputation as the crazy tomboy who could split your sides. Sometimes she was like this at home, but only on the bad days. On the bad days, she felt a need to hide her problems from her best friend, Sesshoumaru.

But on the days like this, where bad didn't seem to describe anything, she didn't care what Sesshoumaru thought.

'_He's probably laughing at me right now, just like everyone else.'_ She frowned heavily suddenly, her body seeming to come back to life within the confines of her small room. _'Laugh at me for being the fool I am. The fool who allowed herself to fall for the one who destroyed her.'_

She sat up with a growl and took two steps before slamming her door open and walking down the hall and into the kitchen. She didn't need to look around to realize Sesshoumaru was in there, she just knew. Especially since she could feel his eyes boring into her back as she took a soda from the fridge.

"Amy?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you feeling a little better?"

"I don't know. I think I may be all cried out for tonight." She closed the fridge and leaned against it. "So, um, how did your first day at work go?"

"Alright, I suppose. It's not like, 'Yippee! I can't wait to go back to work!' or anything like that." He took a bite of apple and stared down at the floor.

She tried to mask her pain with a fake smile. She knew it never worked on him. He always saw right through it because he knew her better than everyone.

He seemed deep in thought, and she almost considered asking him what it was.

"It's still a little strange to be working for my old man."

"I'd imagine..." She drifted off as she took a sip of her soda. "Hey, Sesshy., I'm going for a walk."

He sighed before throwing his half-eaten apple in the trash. "Alright, um... I'll be here when you get back. Don't do anything stupid."

"Yeah, yeah." She said as she sat her soda on the counter. She grabbed a light jacket from the closet in the living room, and she was out the door. It had been raining all day, but now it was only minimal. Amy sighed as she walked down her steep stairs and driveway, pulling her oversized hood on so that it nearly covered her eyes. She paused once she reached the empty street, looking right and left. Then, she seemed to have decided where to go because she simply starting walking down the street to her right.

Not one person could be seen or heard, which was odd because usually the neighborhood echoed so badly that any noise from a neighbor, good or not, could be heard. Sometimes it helped the older neighbors start gossip, and other times it nearly made her sick. But now it was strangely quiet other than the falling of the rain.

Which in all honesty was fine with Amy.

She loved the rain, and found it soothing to her soul in its time of uncertainty or times of anger. More than often, she found herself climbing out of her window late into the night just to stand in the rain. Sometimes if she was tired enough, she actually lay down on the grass in the backyard, often ruining her pajamas while doing so. Those times were hard to cover up, especially since Sesshoumaru washed her clothes for her.

Amy sighed as she took a short cut through a large orchard off to her left. The old walnut trees were supposed to have been around for many years, and she could believe it from studying the size of the trees. They looked ancient towering over her, and she almost felt a smile grace her expression when she thought of how lovely it was to walk under the walnut trees during the summer.

Almost.

Her memories were damning her, of this she was sure.

So often she let herself become lost within her own mind, lost within the memories. She damned herself during these times, the painful emotions associated with them blossoming in her chest. It felt as though a hand was crushing her very soul, slowly enough that small pieces of it slowly fell to the floor and shattered into tiny shards, like a broken mirror. More than often, she'd remain in her self initiated hell for hours at a time. Yes, it truly was hell for her.

Then again, she'd rather remain in her own hell within her mind than to deal with the hell of the real world.

Reality was overrated, harsh, and so utterly complicated it made her head spin. Everything may be in fast forward, not letting her enjoy the simple things for what they were as her life raced onward. Hours faded into days, which faded into weeks. She could barely remember what happened only a few days before, and more than often the events she recalled were a day or so off.

Was she truly so weak? So weak that she'd let her feelings for one person rule her life and how it ran? Because it truly was he that occupied her mind in those hours that she spent locked away in her mind. Fantasy and memory bled together often, and she often wondered if the moments they'd shared were really as beautiful as she remembered. More than often, she was inclined to believe she'd just made them up. Those wonderful memories of when he held her, made her feel like some princess as he whispered sweet nothings in her ear. Simple kisses, because she knew nothing else through her experiences, were stunning and breath taking even in their abruptness.

_Maybe I should go and tell him congrats on scoring one of my friends. _"Yeah, what would I say? _Oh, no. I'm completely happy for you. I was just about to go and get run over by a car. I wanted to tell you that you were a fucking asshole, so thanks, and bye." _She said to herself, and in all honesty, she couldn't bring herself to deny that she would actually say something like that to him.

---

When she reached InuYasha's house and knocked on the door his father answered.

"Amy, please come in."

"Actually, I can't stay long. I was wondering if you could just tell InuYasha to come to the door so I can talk to him for a minute."

"Certainly." He half smiled.

She felt her stomach clench tightly and almost considered telling him to just forget it, but InuYasha was already halfway down the stairs. He reached the door and closed it behind, giving them some privacy.

"InuYasha, I know I shouldn't be here, but I just-"

"I know why you're here and, yes it's in one piece." He said as he handed her the Evanescence album that she let him borrow a week ago.

"No, that's not it, I just wanted to say that-"

"That you hate me? Well, I hate me too right now, so get over it."

"Can you fucking listen to what I have to say?!" She yelled, the sound of her own words startling her. "Um... I wanted to say that I'm happy for you, so... you know what, I'm leaving."

"Don't give me that bullshit." He rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, well whatever." She turned to leave.

"I hope you get run over by a car!"

"I hope Kagome hurts you like you hurt me, you asshole!"

"Bitch!"

The tears were already washing down her reddened cheeks. "I hate you!"

He didn't say anything, and that's what worried her.

"Do you think I care?" He asked. It sounded like he was right at her ear.

She turned around and he was following her. "Leave me alone, InuYasha!"

He laughed and grabbed the hood of her jacket, causing it to form tightly against her neck, and taking the breath out of her. He pushed her on the ground, and almost kicked her until she scrambled to her feet and ran as hard as she could down the side walk until she thought she was safe.

Yes, she realized now as she closed her eyes and frowned with a heavy sigh, she was weak.

With a shaky sigh, she walked behind the shed-like building the neighborhood had commissioned to be built for the children when they waited for the bus in the morning. She didn't feel like seeking the shelter just on the other side of the wall, and she simply leaned against her back, staring into space and beyond as the rain continued to pour down upon her.

That knowledge, that deep realization fed a deep anger within her and Amy suddenly turned and sank her fist into the wood of the shelter, hearing a loud crack that made her numbly question whether it was her knuckles or the wood splintering around them. A raw sting erupted in her knuckles, a dull pain in her entire hand. She hissed as she pulled her fist back and turned it so she could observe the damage.

Blood trickled from three split knuckles, one with a small chunk of wood embedded in it so deep that she was slightly afraid of having to remove it. A heavy bruise was already beginning to form on her index knuckle, and she narrowed her eyes when she realized that writing anything was going to be a trial for some time. Wincing as she did so, she flexed her hand and moved her fingers, assuring herself that nothing had been broken other than the wall of the bus stop shelter.

For what seemed the thousandth time, she felt disgusted with herself.

'I always told him he had anger issues. Huh, I'm one to talk. InuYasha, if only you knew what you do to me.' Even in thought, her voice seemed weak in her mind.

Suddenly, the familiar burn behind her eyes erupted and her vision blurred. Cursing herself again, she felt so utterly petty as the tears which burned her eyes suddenly began to wash down her face with the rain water, leaving hot trails of the salty water upon her cheeks. Honestly, she had to wonder if she was getting to the point where she wasn't going to be able to cry anymore. She'd cried so much lately that she almost laughed at the stupidity of it. She could have filled a large mayo jar with her tears by now if she had chosen too.

Yes, the whole situation was indeed so utterly stupid that she nearly let go and smashed her fist against the shelter again.

But she refrained, and instead collapsed to her knees with small, keening cries that would have surely made anyone's chest tighten in pity. Pity. She didn't want it. She didn't deserve it. She had gotten herself into this horrible mess of emotions and tears. As it was, she couldn't vent to her friends. Number one. They refused to pity her. Number two. While refusing to give her pity she didn't want nor need, they never let her live it all down.

Her own friends, who knew her better than anyone, teased her and judged her for this connection, this ridiculous feeling she felt for InuYasha. They said he was a failure, a horrible person with enough sense in his head to fill a shot glass. Less actually. Yes, he was unruly. Yes, he had horrible judgement. But not by any means was he a bad person, not like so many thought of him. She knew him like no other, respected what he wanted, and didn't attempt to change him. She may have wanted to change some things, for his benefit alone, but she couldn't do that to him. So many people tried to change him as it was, ridiculed him just by his appearance.

She couldn't bring herself to try and change him. She wasn't like the rest of them. Amy actually cared.

Again, a quiet cry echoed from deep in her throat and she just wanted to curl up right there and melt into the muddy ground.

[Sesshoumaru

Sometimes, he really had to curse himself. He let her get hurt. He snorted as he lay on his large bed, the dark curtains around him closing out the dim light of the rainy day. He liked it this way, concealed within darkness where the world seemed so far away. Not to mention there was the perk of not having to be blinded by sunlight when he awoke in the mornings.

Sesshoumaru was never one to linger on one subject too long. He lived his life on pure instinct and blind faith. If he wanted to do it, he did it, despite the consequences. Hence, he was currently meditating on how to kill his younger half brother.

With a loud growl-like sound, Sesshoumaru frowned within the confines of his dark room, not at all liking this sudden turn in thought.

Amy. He respected her, more than he thought he could respect anyone. She was his friend, the one person he felt gave a damn and listened when he talked. Although, he knew all too well she didn't approve of a lot of his choices, she was different from the rest of the world. She didn't even try to change him. She didn't want to, was the reason she had given him when he'd asked.

_Damn, the way I'm thinking sounds like we're dating. _That was sometimes brought up among their other friends. They would only laugh and say that they were too much alike. He thought it funny, though.

Ever more lately he found himself letting his thoughts wander to her whenever he wasn't actively doing something. It wasn't normal, it wasn't something he wanted, and Sesshoumaru snorted loudly when he realized he was putting more thought into the matter than there should have been.

The girl was his best friend, possibly the only person there for him, and nothing more. He didn't want anything more. He'd seen what happened during those relationships, and he frowned heavily at it. Such an overrated thing, with emotions that ran rampant through the minds and hearts of both people involved.

_What are you up to now?_ Sesshoumaru could almost hear his father say if he even brought up Amy's name to him. For some strange reason he liked Amy. It may have been because she reminded him of a young Izaiyoi, or... his overly cheerful stepmother. Oh, how he loathed her attitude toward everything!

Cracking open a soda as the computer automatically connected to the net and his messenger as it booted up, he was distinctly surprised when he saw that Amy wasn't on AIM with her cell. It was strange, because no matter what the consequences were, she always signed on at this time and checked with her friends. His gaze narrowed, and he took a long drink from the soda before setting it onto his wooden desk, being careful of the large crack down the center.

The crack made him growl once more.

Amy had caused him to do that. She'd been angry about something he'd done again, screaming her anger at him as he'd yelled back in his somewhat controlled fashion. He couldn't remember what he'd said at the time, but she suddenly looked as though he'd struck her. But her ire had suddenly returned as she slammed her fist into his jaw, attempting to walk away. But he reached for her, pulling her back against his chest as she fought to be free.

"_I hate you."_

He frowned again, knowing that one phrase had been enough to make him lose his grip on her as she'd run from him to InuYasha. Yes, he'd considered running after her but instead, he'd remained where he'd stood for hours, never really moving as he found himself feeling utterly lost for the first time in his life.

Then, the thought of her hating him was more than enough to make his chest clench.

'Ridiculous.' He snorted and opened his inbox, not at all surprised when he saw several e-mails from Evanka.

The girl had been quite a pain lately, calling the house and his cell phone at ungodly hours of the night and morning. She e-mailed him nearly three times every day with varying degrees of her begging. She wanted him back, this much he knew. At one time, he'd held her higher than anyone, but that was then, and this is now. Then, she'd seemed perfect. Now, he knew what she really was. A harlot. A low-down, lying, cheating harlot.

Again, he snorted. His mind was beginning to develop a strange habit of locking onto Amy.

Feeling quite low in that moment, Sesshoumaru was about to click on an e-mail about his website when the obvious vibration of his phone went off in his pocket. He growled loudly, and didn't bother looking at the caller ID.

"Evanka, I swear if this is you I'll..."

"Sesshy?" The tiny voice on the other end killed his ire, and he could plainly hear the person's teeth chattering.

"Amy? Amy, what's wrong?" Her dark laugh echoed in his ear, and he grew worried. There were few times when she was like this and he knew if she called him, something was wrong.

"I... stopped by InuYasha's house... and we argued, and he nearly hit me before I got out of there."

"What?!"

"And I punched a wall. Pretty stupid, huh?"

He sighed, not at all liking how small her voice sounded. "Where are you at right now?"

"I'm outside." Sesshoumaru jumped up and walked over to his window to see her sitting at the top of the hill behind their house, completely drenched to the bone. He saw her phone flip shut. He dropped his onto the floor and bolted out of his bedroom and out the backdoor. He sprinted across the slippery ground toward the bottom of the hill, and was more than shocked when he felt her tiny form collide against his. She truly was soaked, right down the bone from what he could tell and as he wrapped his arms around her, he felt her body shaking and jerking from her crying and lack of warmth.

"Come on," She nodded and for once didn't protest when he lifted her bridal style and walked her into the house, slamming the door shut behind him with his foot.

About ten minutes later he'd gone up to check on her. He knocked on her door lightly and after no answer he walked in. Amy was asleep and finally her crying had stopped. He was glad for that, but he knew that it would start again any time that she was awake.

With a sigh, he collected her second wet outfit from the floor and took them downstairs to the laundry room, and dumped them in the clothes basket. After all, it seemed he was the only neat person around there. Amy was pretty much messy in every way. That thought caused him to smile slightly.

He sighed and walked somberly into the living room where he flipped on the tv. There was probably nothing on, but he didn't care. The house was too quiet. He'd thought about going upstairs and taking her camera and developing the film in the dark room for her.

Amy was an aspiring photographer and he'd always supported her because she was his best friend. He knew that the pictures on the camera would probably hurt her; most likely there were pictures of InuYasha on it. He wanted to throw the remote against the wall at the thought of him.

He had almost hit her, and that wasn't going to be looked over easily. He would do something about it. He just didn't know what.


	4. When You're Gone

Chapter Four

When You're Gone

"_When you're gone the pieces _

_of my heart are missing you. _

_When you're gone the face I _

_came to know is missing too. _

_When you're gone, the words _

_I need to hear to always get _

_me through the day and make _

_it okay. I miss you." _

She woke the next morning looking around the room for her camera, and soon found it on the dresser. _I should take these down to the darkroom and develop them. _She thought with a sigh as she stood. She traipsed through the living room and opened the door to the other hall where Sesshoumaru kept boxes of things in closets and such. She walked down the long hall to the darkroom, which was really supposed to be another room for storage, but Sesshoumaru had someone put in a sink so she could develop her pictures in it.

She closed the door behind her with her foot and walked over to the table. As she began to develop her photos she felt a little better. Maybe working would keep her pain away. Keep her mind off it at least. Though, as she was finishing and looked through the pictures, she saw one of she and InuYasha. She looked so happy and it made her feel gutted again. She sighed and wanted to throw it away, but instead she put it in the cabinet where she kept her printing paper.

Sesshoumaru wouldn't be home for about two hours or so. She looked at her cell. It was almost 4:00, and he would be there in about an hour. It was almost suicidal to think about how alone she felt in that moment. No one had called to check on her or just to say, "Hey, Amy, what's up?". Not that it bothered her. What bothered her was that Sesshoumaru hadn't called to make sure she was awake yet. _Maybe he got to work and had a lot to do or something. _

She walked out of the darkroom with her new photos. She would show them to Sesshy when he got home. She opened her cell and felt the need to talk to someone. _Hm... let's see... Sesshy is as work, InuYasha is an ass, Kagome is a backstabbing slut... who does that leave? Sango or Kouga... oh, the mass amounts of friends I have. I could call Miroku, but he's more Sesshoumaru's friend than mine and I hardly know him. _She finally just got frustrated and closed her phone angrily."Ugh, I'll just call no one."

She sat on the couch in the living room and went through the photos. They were of scenic things mostly, but as she went through them she found one of Sesshoumaru that she had taken about three weeks ago when they were having one of their good moments, and he was actually smiling. She'd always thought he looked so much better when he did so. The picture made her smile.

While she was in thought her cell started vibrating in her pocket, startling her, and she quickly answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Ames."

"I thought you'd never call, Sesshy."

"Yeah, sorry. I've just been a little busy. I planned to call you earlier, but I got caught up in some stuff."

"Like some girl's eyes?" She laughed quietly.

"No." He laughed slightly. "You sound better."

"Yeah... I developed my pictures, and I want you to see them."

"Alright. I'll be home in a bit. I'll see you then."

"Okay. Later."

She heard the phone hang up.

---

Amy glanced up at him through her bangs as she pulled the photos from a drawer in the darkroom, and being careful that she didn't let her loose pants slip and allow Sesshoumaru a glance at her rubber ducky panties.

She didn't even pause to think about how her mood had suddenly brightened by just being around him. "Here." She handed him the photos and she saw him look at the one she'd left in the drawer. She just shut it and tried not to make it seem like she was hiding it. She really should throw it away.

"So what's the one you're hiding?"

"Nothing, just look through those." She said as she left to go to the kitchen for a soda.

As Sesshoumaru went through them, he saw that she had left about three seconds ago, and quickly he opened the drawer and took out the photo. It was of Amy and InuYasha. She looked astonishingly happy, and he felt his chest tighten a bit at that. She tried to hide it now, but she was hurting still.

He heard her footsteps and he put the photo back and closed the drawer before she came in.

"Well, I'm curious. What do you think?"

"I'm impressed. Though, what's the deal with this one?" He pulled out the picture of him.

"I like that one. You look so much better when you smile."

"Just like you look so much better when you don't fake a smile."

"Ugh. Fuck you." She took the photos and started back out of the darkroom until he pulled her back. He grabbed her soda and the photos and set them beside the sink. "What?"

He sighed, "Shut up." He said as he pulled her toward him in a rough embrace.

"Sesshy?"

In that moment, she'd felt like the world could have completely disappeared and she wouldn't have cared. Not one tiny bit.

All because of what she'd seen in his eyes.

Those eyes, glowing and golden like the sun, were the pathways to his soul. To know Sesshoumaru, you had to know his eyes. Know that in the dark light of night, a deeper ring of gold appeared around his pupil. Know that even through his anger, you could see his sadness hidden inside. She knew him, knew his eyes, and she knew what the rare emotion in his eyes meant. He cared.

"Don't hide it. I know it's all there, and it won't go away if you do that. You need someone."

"What?" She gently pushed away from him, feeling the butterflies do their dance in her abdomen. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry... I want to be here for you. I want you to know that you can come to me with your problems. However small they may be. I want... you to be happy for once, and I know I sound like I'm trying to be controlling -and believe me, that's the last thing I'd want to be - but I want to be the most important person in your life."

"Damn it, Taisho! You are the most important person in my life." She sighed happily, "That's not going to change. Ever. I just can't be open with you on certain things because you don't understand."

"Why? Because I change girlfriends constantly?"

"Maybe that's part of it. You just haven't grasped what _love _feels like yet."

He sighed as he poked her forehead, trying to make the air in the small room feel less dense. He saw her smile like she was really happy, and he smiled too for the first time in awhile. "Well, I care about you. I don't want you getting hurt like that again."

She couldn't stop smiling as she heard him say that, and for once since the whole mess between she and InuYasha she felt happy and cared about.

Wow. Sorry that took so long.

Thanks so much for your reviews. It really means alot. :


	5. It Ends Tonight

Chapter Five

It Ends Tonight

"_The walls start breathing._

_My mind's unweaving._

_Maybe it's best you leave me alone._

_A weight is lifted on this evening,_

_I give the final blow._

_When darkness turns to light,_

_It ends tonight._

_It ends tonight."_

He remembered when he'd found her watching him yelling at, and almost nearly strangling a girl to death, seeing how scared she was in that moment as she'd stared at him. Completely horrified. Of him. It had torn a wound wide open in his heart, the reason why escaping him completely, and it still left him feeling raw. Not only had she'd looked horrified, but she looked lost. Lost, alone, and scared. Just like a child. He'd realized then, just how utterly innocent to the world Amy was. Sure, she'd lost some of her innocence since he'd met her, but not a lot. She was still looking at the world with the eyes of a person who knew enough to keep them happy and sane. But with the realization of her innocence, another realization had set in.

He wanted to protect that innocence about her.

Sesshoumaru, who barely knew innocence as a personal feeling, wanted to shield her from the harsh truth of the world. Why? He didn't know, and he was sure he never would. Like many things surrounding Amy, it was a mystery.

He got up finally and got ready for work. It was already eight, and he needed to be there by at least nine. He should leave a note for Amy or something to _show_ that he meant every word he'd said yesterday in the darkroom. He really did care about her, and it was more than he had for anyone. Not even one of him many girlfriends had made him care that much about them. She had definitely changed him in so many ways without even meaning to. He was more trusting, and he was happier after she had come into his life.

He just decided to write: _If you feel depressed today, call me. -Sess._ Yes, he thought he may have sounded like a doctor or a psychiatrist. Well, after all the one's that Amy's parents had tried to convince her to check in with, she didn't need that. So, he wrote another post-it: _Make sure to smile, and don't fake it. - Sesshy_

He felt that it made his point clear, and so he stuck it to the door of her room, and half-wondered when she was getting up.

He finally left for work after a quick shower. An hour wasn't nearly enough for him, but he dealt with it. As he was driving through what was left of rush hour, he thought back on yesterday. _I wonder what she thinks of me now._ He thought as he lit his morning cigarette. God, he wasn't a morning person.

When she woke, she felt a little better than she had in two days. She actually got up and ate breakfast. Eating breakfast was only an occasional thing for her, and so she felt a little odd doing so.

As she walked back up to her room, a little yellow post-it note on her door. _Make sure to smile, and don't fake it. - Sesshy_. She took it down and looked at it. She smiled to herself and decided that she shouldn't just sit around and mope all day. She was going to go for a walk, and she didn't care how bad the weather was.

She pulled the deep-red-velvet curtains away from her window, and looked outside. Actually, the weather wasn't that bad. It was just foggy.

She made it downtown in less than an hour. She couldn't drive, so she of course had to walk. It wasn't that she didn't want to learn. It was that she had this fear of the wheel. She almost hated being in cars because she never trusted the driver. She never took a taxi. The only car that she would get in was Sesshoumaru's.

She waked back toward the building that she had gone to with Sesshou. His car was parked toward the front of the building from what she could see. She had always loved his car. It a blue Charger, and it was somewhat of a piece of junk that he had bought for about $500 and fixed up. She somehow loved it though. She wasn't much of a girl anyway. She smiled again, and walked toward the apartment complex where her one of her child hood friends lived.

Her name was Sango, and she had known her since she was ten. They had lived in the same apartment building, and they went to the same school. They had drifted apart when Amy was just getting out of high school, because she had moved to Chicago for a few months before she felt homesick, and moved in with Sesshoumaru.

She called her on her cell before she walked up to her house. When she was inside, she felt odd because she hadn't been there in about two weeks.

"Amy, how are you? I... um... heard what happened." She said compassionately.

"I'm fine."

They sat on the couch in the den where they could have some privacy from her younger brother, Kohaku. "How's Sesshoumaru? I haven't talked to him in a while."

"He's good I'm guessing. We really don't talk as much as we used to. He's saying that I'm closing myself off to him, but I'm not. He saved my life. I mean... well... never mind."

"How so?" She got up and walked into the kitchen that was very close by, and grabbed some sodas out of the fridge.

"Well... that's the thing. I can't talk to him about that. And well... you probably wouldn't understand, but I know that I'm going to tell you eventually, so... here it goes. Sesshoumaru is inevitably hot, yes, but... it's the way I feel around him. I was a mess after InuYasha left me, but he made me feel like... I was cared about, and that I didn't need that ass."

She sat and handed Amy a soda. "So, you like Sesshoumaru? Wait... do you still have feelings for InuYasha?"

"No... Yes... I don't know. It's hard to say. I mean we were together for almost a year." She sighed, "I know that Sesshou doesn't feel the same way, though."

"I highly doubt that." She cast her a sideways smirk.

"What are you talking about? Do you know something that I don't?"

"No, it's just that you two have been friends for a long time, and things happen to a guy and a girl who have been friends for as long as you and Sesshoumaru have. They eventually fall in love."

"No, Sesshoumaru doesn't have that kind of thing going for me. Besides, he's probably looking for another girlfriend right now."

"You might be right, but there's still... there's still that chance."

"Yeah..."

—

She had made it home in time to talk to Sesshoumaru. She laid the MCR tee that she had borrowed from Sango onto her bed and quickly changed into it. She loved that shirt.

She heard her phone start ringing from her computer desk, "Hello?" She asked as she flipped it open.

"Amy..." Said a familiar voice.

InuYasha, she thought. "Um, yes?"

"It's me, InuYasha."

"I know," she scoffed as she walked over to her bed and sat.

"You don't sound happy to hear from me," he stated in a disappointed tone.

"Should I be?" Amy rolled her eyes, and thought about what happened when she showed up.

"I need to see you, Amy. I miss you."

"Aww, that's nice. Why don't you go say that to Kagome?"

"Can we just get coffee or something and catch up?"

"Catch up?" Amy laughed, "What the hell are you thinking after you called me a bitch, pushed me to the ground, and then almost kicked me? Fuck off. Don't call me anymore. I have people who care about me, and I don't need you any more." She hung up the phone and flung it onto her bed, and walked out of the room, nearly running into Sesshoumaru. "Sesshy..."

He looked down to her. His face very serious, and his eyes narrowed.

"What's wrong?"

"Maybe it's best you leave me alone."

"Alright..." She said nervously.

She watched as he walked into his room. He stole a glance at her face before slamming the door.

There have only been a few times when he was acting this darkly. When his mother died, and when he had an argument with Amy. He hadn't been arguing with her, and so she couldn't tell what was wrong. Did something happen to someone?

—

'Shit.' Sesshoumaru mouthed without voice. He buried his face into his hands and cursed under his tongue. Why were things so complicated? He missed his simple life. Why did he do something so stupid? Why couldn't he have told her that yesterday was the fist time he'd felt like that ever? It would be so much easier if she just hated him. _God damn it, Amy._ He couldn't help but think of her.

—

Amy had got on AIM and talked to Kouga for awhile. Then Inuyasha _and Kagome _signed on. Inuyasha tried to talk to her.

Hanyou19: Amy, hey. Look, I know this means nothing to you right now, but I miss you. Please... I want to see you again.

YourLithium: Inuyasha, I don't want to talk to you. You've hurt me enough.

Hanyou19: I know, and I want to make it up to you. I still love you.

Something about that made her breath become shorter and her chest stiffen.

YourLithium: Fine. Meet me at Starbucks tomorrow at 2:00. I can't see you today. There's something wrong with Sesshy.

Hanyou19: That's great. I mean, it's not great that there's something wrong with him... you know what I mean.

YourLithium: Yeah.

She signed off and felt brainless and stupid.

She got up and walked upstairs, to the end of the hall where she knocked on Sesshoumaru's door. "Sesshy, let me in."

He opened the door, and stood there looking at her through dark eyes. He let her in, but didn't say anything. He simply just walked over to his messy bed, and motioned for her to sit.

She did so, and she felt the damn butterflies. How she wished she could take a figurative match to those suckers.

"Sesshou-"

"No, don't ask. I won't tell you. This is something that I'm dealing with on my own. I don't need your help."

"Oh," She said, hurt by the last part of that sentence.

He was inside screaming at her. _Can't you see how much I need you right now?! _He'd never dare tell her that. Not while they were only friends. "I'm sorry. I just... need to keep this one to myself."

"I... um... I understand. I think."

He was silent as he thought, and glanced over at her. She stared at the floor in thought. He needed her. He admitted that sadly. He didn't love her, but he needed her. He slowly placed a hand over hers, and she gasped. She was about to say something, but he quickly closed her mouth with his. He, strangely enough, didn't feel her pulling away. He ended the kiss, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." He felt angry at himself, and stormed from the room leaving Amy sitting there feeling numb. Sango was right, he may have felt the same way, but what was the reason behind the darkness in his eyes? Could he try to be hiding it from everyone and someone found out?

She couldn't understand what just happened. It made her find that she really was alone. She wanted him. She really wanted him to love her.


	6. Lithium

Chapter Six

Lithium

"_Darling, I forgive you after all._

_Anything is better than to be alone."_

_She picked up the phone and called Sango. There was no answer and she just got the voicemail. She then hung up and called InuYasha. Again. No answer. She got his voicemail. She hung up and called Sesshoumaru. He answered, but when he spoke there was lots of static, and soon the phone died._

When she woke up, she was soon remembering her dream. She was a little confused about what it meant if it meant anything at all. She had to meet InuYasha today at Starbucks

When the time finally came and she showed up he handed her one of her favorite things ever. A strawberries and creme frappuccino. God, he knew her too well. "Thank you." She smiled and sat with him.

"Look, I know that we haven't been on the best of terms lately, but... I decided that what I did to you wasn't right at all. I want you back, Amy."

"What about Kagome?"

"I didn't care about her as much as I thought... She and I decided that we should break up."

"So, you want me back because you're lonely?"

"No. I love you, Ames."

He'd never been one to call her Ames. That was what Sesshoumaru called her. It felt... wrong hearing from him. "Don't call me that." She said gravely as she sipped her frappuccino. "I still love you... and... I don't know. I want to think about it."

"Why? If you still love me then it shouldn't matter."

"Well... it does. I just want to think about it."

"Is there someone else?"

"No." She lied somewhat. It wasn't as if she and Sesshoumaru were official yet. Not that they ever would be.

"Alright. How long, though?"

"A week at most. Maybe two. After what you've done to me... maybe longer. I don't know." She finished off her frappuccino and stood. "It's settled then." She kindly pushed her chair back and watched him as he stood. He gave her a hug. A warm, almost too friendly, hug. He kissed her forehead. _He must've remembered how much I love that. Maybe he cares about me just a little. _She thought as they pulled away from each other.

"Alright. Call me tonight. Or... I'll call you or something."

"Yeah."

She started to walk off until she heard him say that he loved her. She turned around and smiled before mouthing that she loved him too. She wanted to just walk out into the street and be run over by a car. She wanted to say that she wasn't happy, but... she couldn't bring herself to deny that she was. She was happy. That also didn't stop her growing feelings for the hunk of man that was like her brother. She smiled and nearly walked into a man. She apologized under her breath, and kept walking.

When she made it home, she had remembered the Sesshou was off today. That meant that he might be here... but she didn't see his car, so he was probably off getting lunch or something.

When Sesshoumaru got home, he saw Amy sitting on the couch on AIM with his laptop. He didn't mind of course, but she didn't look up.

"Ames?"

"Oh, hey!" She said, startled.

Wow, had she really not notice that he was coming in? "Hey. Listen, I... I know that I don't have control over you or anything. I have to ask though... Amy, what the fuck are you thinking?" He asked in an exasperated tone of voice.

"What? What do you mean?" She asked as she signed off.

"Oh, don't do that. Don't play dumb. You went to get coffee with InuYasha. You're with him after what he did to you..."

"Does it matter? It's none of your business."

"Yes! It does matter!" He half yelled.

He was scaring her a little, "Oh, well I suppose that it's okay that you change girlfriends like a man whore!" She stood, yelling and wanting to stand up for herself. She felt the anger bubbling beneath her skin.

He sighed, and sat beside on the couch. He was angry at her for the first time in a while. She'd really done it this time. She'd made him angry and he couldn't talk because all that would come out would be insults that would probably send her to tears. Then he would have to apologize and say that he didn't mean it, when at the time he did.

"What? Not talking to me now?!"

"Just... get the hell away from me."

His words prodded deep in her heart and stabbed at a very sensitive spot. She slowly walked up to her room, feeling gutted. She wanted to scream and cry and throw things at him. Couldn't he see how much she needed him?!

When she reached her room and before she could react, her knees gave out and Amy found herself on the ground. A horrible sinking feeling erupted in her gut, and the all too familiar sting of tears burned her eyes.

She'd rarely seen him like that, with his eyes so angry. She'd always known he held an angry soul, angry at the whole world it seemed lately. But very few times, less than she could count on one finger, had she'd seen that look directed at her. Did he hate her? If he did, then why would he suddenly hate her after being so...nice for the past three years? Why did he have to be so damned confusing?!

At that last question, Amy's dam on her emotions cracked and a piercing cry rose in her throat before she could stop it.

She slammed her door closed while she was still on her knees and she fell to the floor in wracking sobs. She didn't even know why she was so upset. It wasn't like he hadn't been angry at her before, it's just... she felt horrible this time.

—

Sesshoumaru popped his jaw angrily. He always did that when he was trying to relieve anger. It never really worked. It just gave him a headache later.

He needed a cigarette.


	7. Rooftops and Invitations

Chapter Seven

Rooftops and Invitations

"_She just might get you lost._

_She just might leave you torn._

_But she just might save your soul_

_If she gets you any closer."_

As she sat on the patio on the front of the house, she absentmindedly noticed that the fog that morning was so thick that it seemed as though you could take a knife and cut it. If that were true, she would've cut a heart out and given it to Sesshoumaru.

She smiled a little thinking of it. _Some coffee would be great right now. _She thought, standing, and leaning over the wooden railing. She was over the whole fight yesterday. It wasn't like it still didn't hurt her. It did. In the back of her heart. The black spots where all her secrets were kept. Even secrets she refused to tell herself.

It was odd that she was thinking about him this early in the morning. It was ten. Too early for her to be up. She usually rose around one. She thought that it was odd that she even woke up as early as she did.

She had another strange dream. It was of... flowers. Thousands of little white flowers bursting open and withering and dying. She felt that her dreams always meant something. They may have, but if she brought it up to anyone, they would've thought her insane.

Sesshoumaru was off work today. She wanted to sneak into his room and just lie down beside him, but that wouldn't have been the best thing to do. It was just best if they distanced themselves from each other.

Come to think of it, she really thought that it was better that way. Maybe a little bit of a longer distance was required this time around. Maybe a trip back to Chicago would clear her mind, and set her priorities back on track. Education, learning to drive, a career, and a boyfriend. No... a husband, and a family.

She felt happy in that moment, and as she was thinking of that, a hand touched her shoulder, and a beautiful guy that would be in her life forever sat down beside her. He told her good morning, and she could almost imagine him kissing her cheek and handing her a cup of coffee. The children would still be asleep, and she would have to get ready for work soon, but she would enjoy that sweet moment with her husband.

She laughed and looked over to Sesshoumaru.

"What?"

"Nothing. Good morning, though."

"Ames, I'm sorry about-"

"No, It was my fault. You're right. I shouldn't let InuYasha back into my life. He shouldn't have been in it in the first place."

"I guess..." He shifted slightly on his feet. "He hurt you, and I don't see any reason why he wouldn't do it again."

"Yeah."

There was a silence, and she felt that it was a bittersweet moment.

"I was thinking about going back to Chicago for a couple of weeks." She said suddenly.

"So go. Nothing is stopping you." He said, though inside he could feel himself screaming for her to stay.

"No. There is something keeping me here. You. I just don't feel right to leave you."

"Well, it's fine with me." He said, as his golden eyes glanced over at her.

There was stillness, and in that stillness she felt her heart being trapped beneath his hands. He wouldn't let it go, but he wouldn't make it his. He'd stolen it, and now she felt a little hollow.

"No," She smiled, and walked over to him. He turned around to face her, and when he did she put her arms around him, and placed her head on his chest to see how he would react. "It's not, but I need to." She heard his heartbeat speed up a bit. She wanted to laugh, but refrained. She felt him slowly give in, and put his arms around her.

He knew she had to go, yet he didn't want to let go of her. She hadn't seen her family in almost a year, and if she had any friends back in Chicago, she hadn't seen them either.

She pulled away, "I just need to clear my head, and get myself back together. I need to think about my future, and things like that."

"I understand. It's fine." He never had really given it any thought that she would have to do this one day. He had known the girl forever, and it just seemed like bad things followed her everywhere, and she would've just given up on any kind of future. _Maybe her future is with me? _He asked hopefully.

He loved her and couldn't get around that. There were so many things that he wished that he could change, but right then it seemed that it was that problem that he would've given anything to fix.

"Amy... do you still see yourself even talking to me in, oh, ten years?"

"Of course."

"I believe I can already see my future." He mused. "I'm going to be a forty-year-old virgin." He laughed.

His laugh made her feel a little more comfortable in that moment, "Sesshy, you are not a virgin."

"You know you're wrong. I have a little more sense than to bang a girl I've only known for a few weeks. That's how long most of my relationships have lasted."

"Yeah." She laughed. "I'm surprised though."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just would think that you would have tons of girls throwing themselves at your feet."

"Well, I don't." He smiled. "If I do, I don't know it."

_Right. There's one in front of you. _She smiled and stared off into the distance, trying to stare past office buildings and apartments to see clouds. Clouds that would be white enough to explain the innocence of that time. She was compelled to leave.

He would find someone that loved him, who would do anything for him just as she would. She would be a little sad at first, but she would get over it because she would be somebody's girl, and she would make them happy. Just as she _would _do for Sesshoumaru.

She stood, and went inside, and made coffee. She needed energy. She needed to do and say so many things that just weren't possible. For fear of rejection. He would reject her. She would be rejected because of the simple fact that he _didn't _love her. The truth hurt her and left the hole in her heart wide open.

He walked into the kitchen, and stood beside her. His eyes looked a little lost. "I... had a horrible dream last night." He recalled, and thought back on it. It was a gruesome sort, and he knew that she would want to hear about it, especially if it was of her.

He thought back on the dream, and it seemed odd that he would have one. Normally he never had dreams, but Amy had always talked about hers to him.

_She sat in an overgrown garden and he watched her through a bush. Sunlight was reflecting off her ebony hair, making it look golden. She didn't see him as she stood, walking over to another rose bush. She bent to touch one of the roses, but as she did, blood began seeping from every pore, and he just stood there watching her scream. Watching her die. Watching her suffer. He wanted to run to her, but he remained frozen as he watched her. Her eyes fell on him, and he saw in them all the pain in the world. All the suffering, and all the sadness. He couldn't save her. No one could, and she collapsed as all the blood was drained from her. He walked over to examine her body, and found that the rose that she crushed in her death grip had turned black, and dead. _

"Wow." Was all she could say as she stared at him over her cup of coffee. "I guess none of mine as that bad. I haven't dreamt of someone dying in front of my eyes."

He stared at the floor as he thought it over.

"Um, I'm going to call my mom. I'll need to tell her that I'm coming home for a little while."

"Yeah..." His voice was soft, and cold also. He walked upstairs, and she watched him.

She grabbed her phone, and called her mom. They were an hour ahead, so she might be out of bed. She only called her mom on weekends, unless it was something terribly important, so she may give the woman a heart attack. She hoped not.

"Hello?"

"Mom? It's me, Amy."

"Ah, Amy. What is it, dear?"

"Um, do you think that it would be all right if I came and stayed with you at home? I just need to get away from here for about a few weeks."

"Oh, of course! I'll pay for your plane ticket, so don't you worry about that. I'll get right to it."

"Thanks. I'll talk to you a later. Bye mom."

"Bye, honey."

Amy hung the phone up gratefully. She did love her mom, but she was a little... over the top about things. She was probably calling everyone right now telling them that she was coming home, and that they would have to stop by and see her while she was home. Great. Just what she needed to clear her head.

She grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, and headed to Sesshoumaru's room. She didn't bother knocking. She just walked in. He wasn't standing there naked, unfortunately, so it was all right.

He was laying on the bed, and staring over at her. His eyes reflected the light coming in from the window.

She sat her bottle of water on the table by his bed, and lay beside him. It was normally completely comfortable. However, this time it was awkward. It was because she could feel a little tension between them.

"My mom is taking care of everything." She smiled.

"So, how long are you to be gone?"

"Two weeks, maybe a month?"

"A month?!" He asked in a you're-shitting-me tone.

"Yeah. Why? Are you gonna miss me?"

"No. I can have all the girls I want in here now."

"You slut!" She laughed, and poked his cheek.

He poked her side, and she giggled. "I'm joking. Yes, I'll miss you, Amy. Not that I would admit it to anyone else."

"I know."

He rolled over to face her, and grabbed the pillow from under her head and hit her with it playfully. She had the fabric of the pillow case in her hand, but he jerked it away and hit her again with it before throwing it to the hardwood floor of his bedroom.

"I know InuYasha won't miss me. Come to think of it, I never called him like I said I would."

Sesshoumaru felt himself become very still. In his chest something _burned, _so coldly he almost shivered, almost lost his iron grip on himself, and the tips of his fingers tingled with the greedy, possessive urge to pull her so close that she would grow into him. It was difficult for him to breathe, as though, with her revelation, she had just chained him to the darkness beneath the world. So unexpected and unhappily familiar was this angry, crawling feeling that he could not move.

She felt that she shouldn't have said that as she looked into those eyes. She knew he felt the same. She knew he tried to hide it. She knew everything.

There was a long pause, and she could hear him breathing. "No," he finally said, quietly.

Amy shook her head and began to draw away.

Sesshoumaru caught her hand in his own, and then, without warning, gave it a firm tug. With a soft cry of surprise she fell against him, the fingers of her other hand finding the gentle hollow between the curve of his shoulder and the rise of his chest. She could feel warmth seeping through cotton onto welcoming skin. Her face was mere inches away from his bare throat.

She froze.

Then she felt his hot breath ghost over the shell of her ear and her body melted.

"Why did you let him do that to you?" He finally asked after so long.

About five months ago, InuYasha had raped her. She never told anyone, but finally when she went days without eating or leaving her room, he couldn't stand it anymore. He got the truth out, and had the chance to ask her then, but he never did.

For a fleeting moment she wanted to ask him what he was talking about, but she could not. She knew by looking into his eyes. She could feel his long, tapered fingers prodding her, probing her heart, begging for her secrets, and of all of the secrets he sought, this was one of the deepest.

This secret was like looking into the darkness, and seeing the darkness look back.

Swallowing hard, Kagome shut her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I knew what he was doing, but it was... mutual somehow. I had only felt raped afterward. I didn't fight. I didn't scream." She whispered. "It was what I knew of love, and I thought I would be with him forever. It wasn't so, and now that my innocence is gone, I can't... I can't have it back." She felt tears sting behind her eyes, but she wouldn't cry over that. Not now. Please, not now.

With pale despair, she tore herself away.

And while Sesshoumaru did not like the possessiveness that threatened to overwhelm him, he liked her pulling away from him even less.

Amy gasped softly as he tugged her against his chest again, letting her hide from his scrutiny, and he was so immediate. The heat of his body, the smoothness of his skin begged her fingers to close the space between them, but she was too frightened, always too frightened to try. She didn't deserve it anyway.

"You are still innocent to the world and I." He said softly. His voice was alien and rigid, and she suppressed a whimper as his lips brushed against her ear.

There was a light prickle of tears behind her eyes. That was supposed to make her feel _better?_

Trails of fire ignited where he touched her, and she felt, in the tips of her breasts, in the depth of her belly, the sharp, dark burn of need. Almost casually she noticed that she could no longer get enough oxygen through her nose; she could only struggle for air through her open mouth, dragging swift streams of breath against his throat.

His hand reached her shoulder. Slowly he moved it between her shoulder blades and gently pressed her to him.

Amy's back arched. The aching tips of her breasts suddenly rubbed against his chest, rough and raw through cotton and silk, and she fought the flood of desire between her thighs, fought not to whimper, fought for the innocent thread of conversation that had nothing to do with the sudden, growing insanity of their bodies. And it was insanity. His skin was far too hot, his breath too heavy, his pulse too quick, and she needed to ease the hunger he stirred within her so badly that she couldn't think, couldn't focus. All she wanted was -

"And InuYasha?" she managed. Her tongue was thick around the words.

There was a pause, and she felt him sigh into her hair.

She wanted to burrow into the air, wanted to fold the moment around them and never leave it.

She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to touch him. She wanted to snake her way between his clothing and his skin, wanted to move, restless and wild, rough and dark, over his body, wanted to crawl inside him, wanted, wanted, wanted, _wanted -_

He _had_ her, now. She was here again, and Sesshoumaru did not want to acknowledge the dirty satisfaction that brought. She was nothing to him, except that she entertained and tantalized, and that was _it_, surely.

Swallowing hard, he was skating along the high, treacherous blade of desire; his mouth was so close to her skin that he needed only to part his lips and move across the tiny space between them to taste her, and he wanted it so badly it hurt...

And yet the moment he did, he would not stop. She was warm and needy in his arms, and he was almost certain that he could have her, if he chose, but he had already decided. He could not cross over the border of wanting to having; he wanted her there, but that was all. He was not willing to give any more.

"Tell me," she whispered to him.

He clenched his teeth.

And Amy thought his body trembled for just a moment, but then he murmured, "A bastard that stole you away from something good. Someone that loves you. Someone that needs you."

Then his powerful hands were turning her, settling her back to his chest and cradling her in his lap and Amy wanted to both cry with the loss of the building fire and give thanks for the sudden halt to the terrifying flames as he slipped his hands around to rest on her stomach. His embrace was suddenly comforting as he let her sink back against him.

"I want to get him out of my life, Sesshoumaru. I want _no_ life." She breathed.

He gingerly touched her cheek, and cupped her chin, and turned her to face him. "I can't let you do something that foolish. You've attempted it one too many times before. Don't you remember?"

She did remember. After her brother died, she tried. After InuYasha hurt her for the first time, she tried. After she had her first argument with Sesshoumaru, she tried. She always had Sesshoumaru there, though. He stopped her. He fixed her, and put her back on her feet every time. She wanted to cry because she never really realized how much Sesshoumaru cared.

"I'm not going to do anything stupid."

"Promise me you won't."

She sighed, "I promise I won't, Sesshy."

"Good."

She put her head on his chest and nearly fell asleep before his phone started ringing on the table beside them, ruining their 'moment'. He gave her a small shove, and she removed herself from him.

"Hello?"

She lie there, and listened. It seemed that it wasn't that important. It was probably just Miroku.

"Yeah, but I need to help Amy with something today, so I can't. Maybe sometime this weekend?"

_Help me with what? _She wondered.

He hung up the phone and put it back on the table, and laughed slightly.

"I'm sorry about that." He said. "Miroku wants me to hear a song this song he wrote for Sango. He's insane."

"Wow. That's... so sweet. She's really lucky." She mused, and got up. "I should go and start packing." She left in a hurry, and closed the door.

Wow. How long has it been since I updated. I apologize for keeping you waiting. Thank you so much for your reviews. They mean alot to me, and I promise I'll try to update quicker next time.


	8. Total Immortal

Chapter Eight

Total Immortal

"_Sometimes the water feels so real._

_As I walk through it fills my lungs,_

_My god, I'm drowning._

_This day never seems to end._

_This pain, never."_

She hugged him goodbye, and boarded her plane. Soon she would be far from the home she knew into the strange foreign one that she left years ago. She swore she would never come back, but as she was sitting on the plane listening to her iPod, everything came back. The homesickness for New York while she was there, the nosey mom, the windy days, and the cold lonely nights.

She thought about how it would be when she would stay there for a month. It would turn out the same and she would be dying to see Sesshoumaru, and dying to see her friends.

As the month passed with difficulty she felt pathetic, and lonely. She wanted to see Sesshoumaru just as she thought. They talked on the phone almost everyday, but she felt very distanced from him.

Sesshoumaru had feelings for Amy, but he found someone that almost reminded him of her. Her name was Kikyo, and she was beautiful. She was completely different, but he always seemed to compare her to Amy. He wanted to just get Amy out of his mind. It would never work, so he wanted to get over her.

Sesshoumaru had finally decided to tell Amy about her.

"Ames, I... I think I'm in love."

She felt something cold and heavy hit her in the stomach. She felt it gnawing at her insides and filling her bloodstream with cold poison. "Really?" She fought the tears. "With who?" She managed before she felt the hot tears stream down her reddened cheeks.

"Her name is Kikyo. I met her through Sango."

_Sango? Sango?! What?! No, she wouldn't do this to me, she wouldn't draw Sesshoumaru to someone else, would she?! _The hurting grew worse as she felt rejection, and betrayal.

"Ames? You there?"

"Yeah," She tried not to make it sound like she was crying.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Sesshy." She lied. She put her face in her pillow and tried her hardest to fight off the sobs that were trying to emerge in her vocal chords. The lump in her throat became too painful to bear, and she hung up the phone. She wept convulsively into her pillow as she imagined it, hoping that he wouldn't call her back. She thought of him holding the hand of someone else, and kissing them. She imagined that she would become even more insignificant in his life.

Sesshoumaru was in love, and she... she felt more alone than she had in that entire month. She wanted to hate him, to hate this Kikyo ... but she couldn't.

She wanted to die.

She wondered that if she had never left, if it would've been different. Fate was truly cruel. She thought of that kiss that he apologized for. He thought of that moment in his bedroom. She thought of that time in the darkroom.

Was it all a lie? A horrible lie that was eating away at her insides, and causing her to go insane.

He phone began to vibrate again, and she picked it up. It was Sesshy. She answered, trying to keep her voice fake, and happy.

"Hey, I'm sorry. The phone lost signal or something."

"It's alright." He lied. He knew she hung up.

"Yeah. So, um... has InuYasha asked about me?"

"Actually, no. He hasn't bothered."

"Oh." She wanted to cry again. It wasn't that she cared. It was that she didn't feel cared about. She knew it was selfish, but in that moment, she didn't give a shit.

"So, I want you to meet Kikyo. I'm sure you two will get along, I mean -"

"If it's alright with you, I'd like to go to bed." She cut him off gravely.

"Yeah, okay. Goodnight, Ames." He said as she hung up.


	9. October

Chapter Nine

October

"_I can't run anymore._

_I fall before you._

_Here I am._

_I have nothing left."_

"You're all that I am." She said as she looked in the mirror. She wanted to punch it and watch as it shattered into a million tiny pieces. Each piece would symbolize the broken shards of her heart that were so tiny that they could never be put back together. They were so small, and unseen, but big enough to cause her to bleed.

She was home now, but it didn't feel that way.

Her face was growing pale, and her body was growing tinier. She was truly suffering from depression. She was outside in the rain. Staring up at the sky as she walked. There wasn't anyone on the sidewalk, and she could feel stares from the people in cars as they passed. They thought she was crazy.

Sesshoumaru had Kikyo in their apartment. It bothered her, and after she had been introduced, she left. As far as she knew Sesshoumaru had no clue that she was even gone. It hurt her that he had someone else after that moment a month ago in his room. Didn't he tell her he loved her? Didn't he tell her he needed her?

She couldn't breathe right. She just couldn't get enough air because of the pain in her gut. The pain that told her that she had lost, that she hadn't acted on what she wanted and let it slip away.

As she walked, she pulled out her cell and called Kouga.

"Hey, is it alright if I come over for a while?"

"Yeah, of course. I was just about to call you anyway. I'm bored out of my mind."

"That makes two of us." She smiled.

He laughed warmly. "I'll see you in a bit?"

"Yeah. Later." She hung up the phone.

Kouga and Amy had never really been that close. They just joked around a lot in school, and now that they were taking photography classes together, they talked more from time to time.

She arrived and he greeted her with a little more than friendly hug.

"Hey, how are you?" She asked as he let her in.

"I'm okay, and you?"

"Eh... not so good."

"Come in here, my brothers will be home soon." He said as he tugged on her arm a little, and pulled her into his room, which was surprisingly clean. Compared to his brother's rooms his was like a maid had cleaned it. "So, why not?"

"Sesshoumaru has a new girlfriend..." Her voice trailed of and she smiled a little. "It's so hard to be happy for him when I'm so jealous, and I know that it's childish, but... I can't be happy seeing them together."

"Ah, Kikyo?" He asked.

"Yeah, you knew?" She asked as she plopped down onto his bed.

"Yeah," he sat beside her. "You know that he's not for you. That whole Taisho family is screwed up in the head. They don't know a good girl when they see one. Well, InuYasha saw one. He just... didn't treat her right." He smiled weakly. "Amy, you're beautiful, smart, and talented. You're going to be something great, and you're going to look back on Sesshoumaru and InuYasha and you're going to laugh your pretty little ass off because they never deserved you."

"You might be right." She said as she smiled, but there were tears in her eyes. "I don't know."

"Don't cry." He said, and he wiped away a tear with his thumb, and he cupped her cheek in his hand.

She touched his wrist, and then fell into him in a tight embrace. She didn't want to ever let go. She wanted Sesshoumaru to see her like this. She wanted him to feel envious of any guy that ever hugged her.

"Amy... I know how you feel. Don't let him get to you."

"Yeah." She let go of him, and Kouga placed his arm around her and rubbed small comforting circles on her back.

A pregnant silence followed.

"I... was in Chicago for a month. He and I talked on the phone almost every night, and I felt like I was distanced from him, but then he started gushing about Kikyo, and I felt... hollow and hurt. It was like nothing else I'd ever felt. Even with Inuyasha."

"You don't deserve it, and he doesn't deserve you. In my opinion, he's a man whore."

"Kouga!" she smacked him on the leg, which caused him to laugh.

"I know... but you really need to get yourself back on your feet, find someone, and live happily ever after. Sesshoumaru's and Inuyasha's excluded."

She laughed. "That's what I was going to Chicago to try to figure out. I need to finish college. I need to get my career plan all sorted out, and I need to just be happy, and moping around like a bump on a stump isn't getting any of that done."

"Oh, great." He groaned. "Ginta and Hakaku are here."

"I'll leave then."

"No, please don't. You're the only thing that's gonna keep me sane."

She laughed. "Kouga, I have a personal question to ask you..." She pushed strands of hair behind her ears. "Um, I know that back in high school you crushed on me and Kagome a lot, but... when was the last time you've had a girlfriend?"

"To tell you the truth, I've never really had one. I haven't been interested. I've had girls want to be my girlfriend, but... I just didn't feel the same." His hand slipped away from her back, and he placed it on the bed behind her. "Yeah, I'm not a sex-driven maniac like most of the guys around here." He laughed warmly.

"Wow... I guess that it's like me. I wasn't really interested until I saw Inuyasha, and then well, I've developed feelings for Sesshoumaru." She blushed a little.

Without warning, Ginta and Hakaku came bursting through the door, and greeting Amy.

"Both of you, leave!" Yelled Kouga.

The trailed out the door, and closed it behind them. They were Kouga's younger twin brothers, but were only identical in their brainlessness.

Her phone started vibrating, and she quickly pulled it out and looked at it. "Oh, it's Sesshoumaru. Sorry, I've gotta answer. Hello?"

"Hey, where are you?"

"Kouga's house. Why does it matter?"

"I suppose I was concerned about you, am I not permitted to do so?"

She sighed, "I guess. I'm surprised you finally noticed I left."

"Yeah, well you could've told me where you were going."

"I'm not going to argue with you in front of my friends. Look, just come pick me up."

"Fine. Kikyo just left anyway."

"Okay, well... later." She hung up the phone, and heaved a sigh of frustration. "I'm sorry about that."

"It's alright. I guess you're leaving though."

"Yeah. I'll get on AIM tonight, though. I have nothing else to do. Maybe listen to Sesshy have phone sex with Kikyo. Doesn't that sound entertaining?" She stood, and shoved her cell in her pocket angrily.

"Amy, before you go... I want to ask you something."

"What is it?"

"You and Inuyasha... I heard you were dating again."

"No, I haven't talked to him in over a month. We aren't dating."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just-"

"No worries." She smiled, and Kouga showed her to the door. Sesshoumaru was already pulling into his driveway behind Kouga's car. Amy hugged him, and walked out to Sesshoumaru's car.

She got in without a word, and slammed the door shut.

"Can you at least tell me where you're going to be next time?"

"Fuck off..."

He sighed, and said nothing.

She wanted to cry, but she crossed over her sadness with anger. She felt bad about biting his head off, but... she just couldn't stand to look at him anymore. He sickened her with the thought of another girl in his life. Was she not enough? Was she not _good_ enough? She clenched her fists, and wanted to punch the window out, and relieve the anger.

When they reached the apartment again, she got out without a word, and went up to her room. She didn't want to talk to him. She for some odd reason wanted to call Kouga, and talk to him. She grabbed her camera, and headed down to the darkroom. She had a few photos to develop, and when she was about to get something out of the cabinet, the cell vibrated with a text. It was Kouga.

Amy. Can u talk?

Not right now. I'm dvlping pics.

Can I come over? My bros are driving me crazy!

Sure. Sesshy is being an ass.

Thnx.

—

Kouga stood with her in the darkroom. He kept complimenting her pictures.

"You know, Amy... I realized something."

"What's that?"

"I really like you."

"Well, I really like you too, Kouga." She laughed as she started putting up her chemicals and such.

"I'm being serious, Amy."

As she raised up she felt his hand fall on her shoulder. She jumped slightly, and his lips met hers in a quick kiss. "Kouga... we're friends."

"So are you and Sesshoumaru, but hey, no hard feelings." He smiled. His smile was warm and comforting. "I just wish that I were in Sesshoumaru's place, because I'd give anything to be with someone like you."

Tears came to the brim of her eyes and spilled over. She could tell she was too vulnerable, she was crying because even the slightest comment.

Amy was burning with embarrassment. "Sorry - " she mumbled. "Sorry - "

"Here," he interrupted. "Stop that." He caught her wrists again and forced her hands to her lap before bringing his fingers to her face and gently catching her tears, lifting them from her skin as if he had to remove them carefully. "There," he said when he was done. "All better."

Even though nothing was all better, she just nodded.

"Do you mind if we go outside? I... need some air."

"Not at all." He touched her hand, and helped her up.

As they passed Sesshoumaru he peered at them, watching their hands, making sure Kouga didn't do anything that was inappropriate.

They stared into the concrete forest of lighted buildings reaching toward the night sky, and let the quiet grow around them.

After a while Kouga cleared his throat, "So, why were you in Chicago again?"

"I needed to clear my head. It was comforting for awhile, but then I couldn't do it. It's still cluttered up there."

He nodded in understanding.

Another silence.

"I'm sorry for in there. I don't know what I was thinking kissing you like that."

"Don't be."

He smiled, his teeth white as stars. Though, she _couldn't _see the stars because of the city lights and pollution.

Leaning over the railing more, Amy peered dizzily down into the city, where a thousand unsaid words flowed. _Maybe_ and _I might_ and _I think_ and _you could_ and _I should_ and _if only if only if only if -_

In that moment she thought, very quietly, that she could love him. Maybe, given enough time. She could love him after she patched her broken heart. _Maybe_, she thought and she wondered if he knew that, and if she should tell him.

Then he was hugging her close. He smelled of coffee and cologne, and the moment passed. "It's like you shouldn't even be real... I'm glad I came over though."

Her chin was on his shoulder, and the scratchy softness of the shirt he was wearing rubbed over the underside of her jaw. "I don't think you would have a moment like this with one of your brothers," she remarked, watery and amused.

He chuckled, and she felt the rumble against her own skin. "You should go to bed," he told her gently. "You seem tired."

Alright sniffled again and drew back. "All right," she said. "I'll talk to you in the morning then?"

The grin on his face was familiar and beautiful. "Do I ever pass up a chance to see you?" he asked.

She gave a sharp, spontaneous, and messy snort. Wiping her nose, Amy shook her head.

"That's _right_," Kouga declared. "Now go get some sleep, woman..." He continued to smile into the distance. "I'm going to stay for a little longer and maybe talk to Sesshoumaru, but don't worry. I won't tell him anything."

She nodded, not trusting her voice. She rose and walked tiredly back to the sliding glass door of the apartment, turning only at the entrance to smile at him. "Goodnight, Kouga." she said.

"Goodnight."

Amy turned and entered, walking upstairs.

Kouga waited for a few moments, just to make sure she was gone, and then stood and crossed his arms. He walked over to the door, and motioned for Sesshoumaru.

Sesshoumaru brushed past him, giving a slight snort. "So, you and Amy?"

"Don't trust me, eh? I saw the way you were staring."

"No."

Kouga smirked, "Why not?"

"She's had her heart broken one too many times. I don't want you to be the one to push her over the edge."

"Oh no, my friend. If anyone would do that it would be you. Your parading around with Kikyo had caused that little cut to become infected. How do you feel about that '_Sesshy'_?"

He walked over to the railing, and said nothing.

So it was going to be one of _those_ conversations. Very well, he knew how to play the game...

He stepped up next to him and stared into the abyss as well. "You going to answer me?"

"It's not any of your business," Sesshoumaru said coldly.

"Sure it is. Amy is a friend."

"Clearly."

There was a silence as they both fumed angrily.

"Look, I don't know what you're doing with her, but if she comes to any harm, I swear I'll kill you. And you'd better keep your dirty hands to yourself, unless you want to be minus a set of balls."

"First," Sesshoumaru snapped, annoyed, "as long as she's living with me she won't be harmed. Second, I'll put my hands where I want."

"You will, will you?"

"I will."

"I don't blame you, of course."

"Not there."

"I'll bet."

Sesshoumaru cracked his knuckles.

"Whatever," Kouga said. "Just... don't be such an ass, okay? Even Amy can only take so much."

Sesshoumaru said nothing. After a moment he stretched and yawned, theatrically marking the end of their conversation. "Well," he said, "I'm off to bed. You're welcome to hang around up here, but I'd suggest getting back before she finds out you're still here. Just lock the door on your way out." With that, Sesshoumaru turned and wandered into the apartment, leaving Kouga.

He stared into the city at the lights for another minute before snorting softly. He took a deep breath and exhaled to relieve his tension before walking back into the apartment, locking the door, and then walking back out the front door.


	10. The Kill

Chapter Ten

The Kill

"_What if I fell to the floor?_

_Couldn't take this anymore._

_What would you do?"_

Amy signed on to Myspace and talked to Kouga for awhile that morning. She hadn't talked to Sesshoumaru at all, and didn't know if she really wanted to. Kouga had made her morning pleasant, and she wasn't about to let Sesshoumaru ruin that.

She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a granola bar out of the pantry. She wasn't that hungry, but it was something to keep her in the kitchen without any suspicions. Sesshoumaru was sitting in the living room, regretfully in his boxers, and flipping through channels. She wanted to growl, but saved herself the look of amusement from him. He glanced over at her only briefly before standing and walking in the kitchen, almost blocking the way out.

"So, you and Kouga?" He asked so casually as though he were talking about the weather.

"There's nothing going on, and if there was it would be none of your business."

"Well, you seem happy is all."

"Happy?" She questioned, mildly shocked. "Really?"

"Yeah." He smiled. "You should be with him..." His voice trailed.

She felt the heat in her cheeks as she took a small bite of her breakfast. "So, how are you and... Kikyo?"

He said nothing, simply walked over to the fridge, and grabbed a soda. Truthfully, they weren't doing so well. Kikyo was... a whore. A lying and cheating whore. She was beautiful, yes. When he first met her, he had saw something good, something unlike anyone. He had almost seen something like Amy in her. That wasn't the case, though.

"Well?"

"Great." He lied, and tried to make his voice as believable as possible.

"I'm going over to Kouga's in a little, so, don't worry about me." She smiled.

"I'm always concerned about you, that won't change."

Her breath felt trapped somewhere in the middle of her throat, as she threw away the half-eaten breakfast.

"I've never really thought about it like that before, but I'm always afraid that something is going to happen to you." He walked over to the counter and leaned against it.

"You really shouldn't." She hesitated before she walked over to stand beside him. He turned to face her, and pulled her into his arms. "Sesshoumaru..." She said softly, and reveled in the feel of her cheek against his chest.

"If he hurts you... if he touches you... tell me, because I won't hesitate to kill him. I did with Inuyasha, and I saw what happened... but I won't let you get hurt like that again."

She felt him rest his chin gently on her forehead. "You're talking about Kouga, aren't you?"

He nodded.

"Well, there's nothing going on there. We're just friends for right now. I could see myself loving him, but... I'm just so sick and tired of being hurt and alone."

"I've been here..." He let go of her to look into her blue eyes, and as he stared he pushed a strand of ebony hair that had fallen when they parted behind her ear.

"But... you have Kikyo. Our friendship can't be the same ever again because you'll have to be there for her more." She swallowed hard. "It's alright though, because you're happy."

A lump settled at the bottom of his throat. He thought himself too strong for crying, but in front of her... he could. She understood everything. Every inch of his bruised and battered heart and soul she had touched, explored, and found places that not even he knew existed.

He kept the tears from coming by biting his tongue, and then hardly forced a smile. "Yeah... You should get going to Kouga's, huh?"

"Yeah." She walked out of the kitchen, and then upstairs to change out of her jammies.

She reached her room while thinking to herself of why she felt so out of place. So much like she didn't belong where she was. It was a little heart-wrenching. She pulled her messy hair up and changed. She put on her make-up and looked at the dark bags below her eyes. She really hadn't been getting enough sleep lately. Most nights she would just stare up at the ceiling, and think about her life. A life that she wasn't happy in and didn't want.

She grabbed her bag and walked downstairs. She reached the door, looked at Sesshoumaru, and sighed. "Are you going to sit around like that all day?"

"Maybe... it depends on if Kikyo calls."

She rolled her eyes, "I'll see you later, Sesshy." She opened the door and then left.

—

Kikyo didn't call. She was more than likely out being... herself. He flipped his phone open to see what time it was. It was nearly one and he hadn't even bothered to change out of his boxers until then. He grabbed a pair of levis and his Chiodos tee. He vaguely wondered what Amy was doing in that moment. Probably walking down the sidewalks to Kouga's and not watching where she's going like always. She was the most clumsiest person that he'd ever met. Always running into everything. She sometimes even tripped over her own two feet. It was pretty funny to - _I'm thinking about her again! _He always did that. No matter where he was he'd find himself lost in thought. Mostly of Amy, and that bothered him. A lot.

—

"Do you want a soda or... something?" Kouga asked as she walked in.

"Actually that sounds great right now. Dr. Pepper?"

"Sure..."

He walked into the kitchen, and soon came back with it. She sat on the white sofa. She loved his house. It wasn't too big or fancy but it was nice, and it was a break from the city. It was in a small sub-urban area of town. Catching a taxi to get there was hell though. Catching a taxi to get anywhere in New York was hell.

She took it and stared out the large window that overlooked Kouga's backyard. It began to rain right before she got there. It was pouring then, and she could hear small sounds of thunder in the distance. It was a mirrored reflection of what she felt in her heart.

"Amy, are you alright?"

"Yeah..." She smiled as she let her eyes drift from the sight outside.

She felt his hand trace up her arm and rest on her shoulder. She sighed, and wanted to say something, but didn't. It was alright.

"So, where are your brothers?" She asked in a lighter tone.

"I haven't the slightest really."

She smiled as she leaned back onto the sofa. Kouga's hand slipped from her shoulder.

"Thanks for letting me come over here. I would've gone crazy in that apartment."

"Especially with Sesshoumaru, huh?"

"He's really not that bad, Kouga."

He smiled. "Maybe for you."

There was a silence. It filled the air causing it to become almost smothering.

"Amy, can you promise me something?" He turned to face her.

"What?"

"If Sesshoumaru or anyone else hurts you then tell me."

"Kouga, there's really no need to-"

"Amy." He said gravely.

"Okay." She said, nervously. She felt trapped now. She had two guys telling her to tell them if either of them hurt her. Damn.

Kouga stood, and held out his hand for her to grab. "Let's go upstairs. I have some photos I want you to look at."

He smiled as she grabbed his hand. He smiled, and let go of her when she was on her feet.

—

"So, what's going on with you and Sesshoumaru as of now?" Kouga asked trying to keep himself from bringing up the topic of 'them'.

"Same thing. I think he's really getting tired of me though. I don't know. I need somewhere to go so I don't have to be around him so damn much. He's really driving me crazy and he's not even doing anything."

"I'd never get tired of you, and you can always come over here." He said as he messed around with his computer. He was trying to open up the pictures he wanted her to look at.

"I know." She said as she watched him.

He finally opened the folder and motioned for her to come over to the desk.

The looked through pictures and then brought up old ones from high school and brought back memories that she thought that she would never forget, but then again they couldn't stay with her forever.


	11. Breakdown

Chapter Eleven

Breakdown

"_I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us._

_But what a waste of my time when the world we had was yours."_

That morning, Sesshoumaru pulling her into her college campus felt awkward. It was cold and she'd been wearing a thin jacket that didn't particularly keep her warm.

"Later, Sesshy." She said as she pulled the hood of her not-so-warm jacket over her head.

He said nodded and took off as normal.

She was soon tackle-hugged by Kouga who seemed all too energetic for eight in the morning. She laughed as he let go of her.

"Hey. Happy to see me or what?"

"Yeah." He smiled. "I didn't see you all weekend."

"Sorry."

They began walking to class and as they were, Amy felt uneasy as she just brushed past Inuyasha, who looked at her and walked on.

—

After class, Kouga and Amy started to the parking lot together. Among her acquaintances in their class, there had been rumors of them dating, but they weren't true of course, and them always being together didn't really help. Amy laughed on the inside as she thought of that.

"Amy!" Someone called behind them, jerking Amy out of thought.

They stopped and turned around.

"Inuyasha..." She stood frozen. She wanted to turn around and walk away again, but maybe... he wasn't the same person anymore. Whatever the reason, at least he was talking to her.

"Yeah, I saw you this morning and I was going to say something, but you didn't even look at me."

"Sorry, I'm just heading out, you wanna walk with us?" She offered gratefully.

"Sure." A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

The three stood in the parking lot and waited until Sesshoumaru got there for Amy.

When Sesshoumaru arrived, his eyes widened marginally at what he saw.

Amy, who barely let out a light giggle most of the time, was laughing so brightly that light seemed to radiate from her. When he caught glimpses of her face, her expression startled him. Again, the way that she'd looked over the weekend came to mind and he felt himself becoming utterly shocked that he was looking at the same girl. Her smile was wide and, even as the person hugging her set her on her feet. For a moment, she looked like she might fall but the guy holding her kept her steady, making Amy smile up at him. From where he stood, Sesshoumaru could only see the guy's back and couldn't tell who it was, and the fact that he was wearing the hood of his jacket over his head wasn't any help either.

Amy could see him and her smile and laughter all faded. She smiled fakely at the guy as he held his arms out for another hug before she had to leave, he picked her up but more gently than he had before, and his hood accidentally fell off the top of his head. Sesshoumaru got a good look at him and wanted nothing more than to kill him. It was Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru could feel his anger bubble and boil beneath his skin so heatedly, he thought he might get out of the car and kill him right there.

_What the hell is she doing with him?!_

Sesshoumaru was so busy glaring daggers at his younger half-brother that he hadn't even noticed that Amy was getting in the car. When she got in she was slightly beaming. He said nothing to her though and they rode in silence all the way.

When they arrived, Sesshoumaru still didn't talk to her, he just stormed up to his room. Amy didn't know what was wrong with him.

Moments later she heard glass breaking, and she ran up the stairs and opened his door to see pieces of mirror all over the carpet. Sesshoumaru's whole right hand was bloody.

"Sesshou...?"

Absentminded and furious he swung at her, but when he realized it was Amy, he directed his fist to the spot on the wall only centimeters from where she stood. Her blue eyes grew wide with fear her heart raced as she just stood there, unmoving.

"Amy..." He swallowed hard, and all his anger melted away.

She'd never seen him like this before. Sure, she'd seen him angry, but not to the point of breaking something or someone.

He sighed sadly. "Please leave."

She nodded shakily and turned slowly and left the room. She felt afraid and she wanted to scream so loud that the whole world could hear her.

--

Kouga and Inuyasha showed up minutes later, fortunately. She was crying on the couch when they came in. They were originally stopping by to ask her if she wanted to hang out over at Kouga's house, but now they were here for a different reason.

Getting her the hell out of there.

They sat on the couch on both sides of her and asked her what happened. Once she told them, Inuyasha stood and started to go upstairs, but Amy stopped him.

"No! If he finds you here I don't know what he'll do."

He instead helped her up and she looked up at him, seeing those bright, honey colored orbs that she could've sworn were made from the sun itself. Those that she used to love so long ago.

She sobbed quietly before pushing herself past his arms and to his chest as she grasped his hoodie tightly and cried into it. At first, he seemed shocked that she'd immediately grasped him over Kouga. But suddenly, and without hesitation, Inuyasha wrapped his arms around her in an embrace that made her barriers completely fall apart beyond repair.

For she also fell apart in that moment.

—

She stayed over at Kouga's house with them for the remainder of the day and just tried to get her emotions in check and put her fallen barriers back up.

"Amy," Inuyasha said after Kouga had left the room to go to the kitchen.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry for all the crap I put you through. I'm not the same person I was before and now that I see how much pain you're being put through now, it makes me really angry at myself that I did that to you."

She smiled and gave a humorless laugh. "It's alright." She said and looked down at the beige carpet of Kouga's bedroom. Wether Inuyasha meant it or not, it was enough just to hear him say it.

Kouga came back and handed them both sodas.

Amy's phone began to ring and as if out of instinct Inuyasha asked who it was. She looked at it, "It's Sesshoumaru." She handed the phone to Inuyasha and watched him answer it.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Where's Amy?"

"She's here with me and Kouga. Why do you care? You're the one that needs to back the fuck off."

"Why do you have her phone?!" He asked angrily as he thought about leaving and finding that son of a bitch.

"She handed it to me. She obviously doesn't want to talk to you."

Sesshoumaru felt gutted. He knew that Amy had been hurt and scared and it was because of him but he never in a million years would think that she would turn to Inuyasha for comfort. He had nothing left to say, he just hung up and threw the it at his wall.

"He hung up." Inuyasha flipped her phone shut and handed it to her.


	12. Hello Readers!

Hey readers! (if I have any left at all.)

I just wanted to leave something here. I feel sort of bad for not finishing my fanfiction. I sort of have an excuse for this. I wrote this when I was younger. I was about 15. I'm 17 now. I know it doesn't seem like that huge of a difference, but I just need you guys to know that I really appreciate the reviews and and everyone that read this. It really makes me feel good. (:

I don't know for certain at this very moment if I'm going to finish this, but I'm planning on maybe a rewrite because even rereading that first chapter as short as it may be makes me want to shoot myself. Like what was I thinking? It's terrible. Haha.

The only time I really have to myself is between 1AM and 6 in the morning when I drag myself to bed. I don't have a computer in my room anymore where I used to write because it crashed unfortunately, so I've been using my mother's computer in the living room and there's usually a tv blaring or someone talking and I can't concentrate at all! I'm hoping to get a laptop for my birthday in November so I can get back to my own little world in my room where I can write to my heart's content!

Anyway, thanks to the people who took the time to read this. I will probably delete and rewrite this because I am not happy with this at all.

XOXO, Lindsey. (:


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